...or more to the point, do I want to be a photographer? That has been the question in my mind since I was diagnosed with cancer last December.
Once diagnosed, i stopped shooting. Cold. I didn't want anything to do with photography at all. Perhaps I just needed a break, but I was no longer eating, breathing, sleeping photography. I snuggled in and got myself well (well... me, my team, and hordes of medical professionals did that!). And I still didn't shoot. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't lose my love for it, just my passion and desire. Maybe I'm not meant to do this, or maybe I'm just not meant to do this any more.
So I waited. I shot a little, and it was okay, but I still wasn't ready. So I waited some more. I had committed to a few things, so I shot them. I enjoyed them and had fun, but still no passion. I kept pushing back my return to work date - ahhhhh, I'll be back at in July! Hmmmmm, maybe August. Mid-September, for sure. Each time, I assumed the passion would return and I would be ready.
But the doubts got deeper and stronger.
Cancer is a life changer. A goal changer. Good or bad, it changes you. I expected it to make me realize I need to live the life I dream of living, of capturing people's lives, of embracing the moment, and living life to the fullest. Of course, it's a reminder that life is fleeting and you have to make the most of it.
But I lost my passion along the way. I lost it and began to think cancer was my reminder to snuggle in and spend more time with my loved ones, to live a quiet, normal life. Safe. On my own schedule.
And then I shot Kathleen and Brett's wedding. It was fun, it was hectic, it was a long day - and I loved it. Kathleen and Brett are friends and were a joy to spend the day with. Their wedding party and families were beyond amazing. I had Cassie, Mary, and Jason with me, backing me up. It was perfect. But still, not a life changing moment for me. Not yet.
Last night, as I was going through their images, it hit me. I love capturing love. Love it! I don't shoot a lot of weddings, but I have had amazing brides who took a chance on me and let me do what I love. It scares me, but I can't imagine not doing it. And my cancer life changer - maybe it just means that I can live this crazy life but I should enjoy it, too! I should step back once in awhile and take it all in, be with the people I love, and live a good, fullfilling life.
...Kare
email: karenk{at}eastlink.ca
website: http://www.karenkyte.com
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