Cancer Doesn't Take A Break | Halifax, NS

It's been a month.  Exactly.  I got the phone call from my doctor one month ago today, at this time of the morning.  And my world blew up.  It's been nonstop cancer ever since.  Cancer, lymph nodes, "areas of concern," mastectomy, lumpectomy, radiation, MRI, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, appointments, appointments, appointments, phone calls, books, information, decisions, decisions, decisions.

I hate it.  I'm scared of it.  I want to stop talking about it.  I want to stop thinking about it.  I want it to go away.

But cancer doesn't take a break.

I know, I tried.   Last night we unplugged the phone.  I turned off my mind.  I tried to make it go away.  But it was still there, in my head, dancing around.  Six o'clock this morning, after a night of restless sleep, I was wide awake and up for the day.  Thinking.   Looking for a distraction.  Pretty pictures of pretty flowers, perhaps.  Nope, that only lasts for a moment.  

I'm still hoping for a break.  But cancer doesn't take a break. 

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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My Distraction | Halifax, NS

I have such pretty flowers in my home right now and a brand new lens - what better distraction on a snowy day than to take some pretty pictures.

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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Big Frigging Decisions | Halifax, NS

Tuesday's appointment with the surgeon threw me for a loop.  Another lump?  I wasn't expecting that.  At all.  It changes everything.  I'm still waiting for a date for the biopsy.  I'm not making any decisions until I get that done. But then what?  I don't know.

Up until now, I haven't read my breast cancer literature.  I cried every time I picked it up.  But now it's time to get informed.  I finished work today, it's time to go on leave.  I can't sit at my desk and cry any more.  Instead, I'll use the time to read and research.  By the time I get my biopsy done and get the results, I'll be ready.

I hope. 

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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Shit | Halifax, NS

That's how I ended the meeting with the surgeon today.  Shit.

I was anxious and nervous about the appointment.  Anxious to get to it and get a date for my surgery, whatever that may be.  Nervous about finding out what exactly the surgery may be.  Today we would decide, we would get a date, and we could prepare.  

But none of that happened.

Instead we got the results of the MRI.  I never told you about the MRI, did I.  I hated it.  For real.  I would tell you about it, but I am trying to block it from my mind.  The results of the MRI were, hmmmm, inconclusive, I suppose.  What they did tell us was that the other breast is all clear.  YAY!  But the breast in question has another abnormality.  Shit.  Cancerous?  We don't know.  I chose to have another biopsy before the surgery to determine what the other little bugger is and do we need to deal with it.  

And so we wait.  Wait for another date.  Have another biopsy and wait for results.  Then wait for a date for surgery.

Shit.

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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Laughter... | Halifax, NS

We laugh every single day in our home.  Every single day.  Even more now since my diagnosis, I think.  And I thank God for it.  We get goofy with each other, we tango for no reason at all, we talk ghetto, we imitate Brian and Stewie, and sometimes we just plain ol' tickle each other.

The best part is that we just get to be ourselves, to be comfortable with each other, and know that we can be as goofy as we want.  The end result is always worth it.  And it reminds me how lucky I am.

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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Ring My Bell | Halifax, NS

I napped this afternoon.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  Not that I've never napped before; let's not go crazy, I love a good nap.  Lately it's been an easy escape from my overactive imagination.  Or a way to catch up on the sleep I can't seem to get at night.

But today it was a headache and upset tummy that sent me to bed.  I laid there and everything I wanted was in the other room - the phone, something to drink, a comforting hug.  Then it dawned on me.  The thing I needed most in my room:

...Kare

email:  karenk{at}eastlink.ca

website:  http://www.karenkyte.com

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