...or more to the point, do I want to be a photographer? That has been the question in my mind since I was diagnosed with cancer last December.
Once diagnosed, i stopped shooting. Cold. I didn't want anything to do with photography at all. Perhaps I just needed a break, but I was no longer eating, breathing, sleeping photography. I snuggled in and got myself well (well... me, my team, and hordes of medical professionals did that!). And I still didn't shoot. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't lose my love for it, just my passion and desire. Maybe I'm not meant to do this, or maybe I'm just not meant to do this any more.
So I waited. I shot a little, and it was okay, but I still wasn't ready. So I waited some more. I had committed to a few things, so I shot them. I enjoyed them and had fun, but still no passion. I kept pushing back my return to work date - ahhhhh, I'll be back at in July! Hmmmmm, maybe August. Mid-September, for sure. Each time, I assumed the passion would return and I would be ready.
But the doubts got deeper and stronger.
Cancer is a life changer. A goal changer. Good or bad, it changes you. I expected it to make me realize I need to live the life I dream of living, of capturing people's lives, of embracing the moment, and living life to the fullest. Of course, it's a reminder that life is fleeting and you have to make the most of it.
But I lost my passion along the way. I lost it and began to think cancer was my reminder to snuggle in and spend more time with my loved ones, to live a quiet, normal life. Safe. On my own schedule.
And then I shot Kathleen and Brett's wedding. It was fun, it was hectic, it was a long day - and I loved it. Kathleen and Brett are friends and were a joy to spend the day with. Their wedding party and families were beyond amazing. I had Cassie, Mary, and Jason with me, backing me up. It was perfect. But still, not a life changing moment for me. Not yet.
Last night, as I was going through their images, it hit me. I love capturing love. Love it! I don't shoot a lot of weddings, but I have had amazing brides who took a chance on me and let me do what I love. It scares me, but I can't imagine not doing it. And my cancer life changer - maybe it just means that I can live this crazy life but I should enjoy it, too! I should step back once in awhile and take it all in, be with the people I love, and live a good, fullfilling life.
Once diagnosed, i stopped shooting. Cold. I didn't want anything to do with photography at all. Perhaps I just needed a break, but I was no longer eating, breathing, sleeping photography. I snuggled in and got myself well (well... me, my team, and hordes of medical professionals did that!). And I still didn't shoot. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't lose my love for it, just my passion and desire. Maybe I'm not meant to do this, or maybe I'm just not meant to do this any more.
So I waited. I shot a little, and it was okay, but I still wasn't ready. So I waited some more. I had committed to a few things, so I shot them. I enjoyed them and had fun, but still no passion. I kept pushing back my return to work date - ahhhhh, I'll be back at in July! Hmmmmm, maybe August. Mid-September, for sure. Each time, I assumed the passion would return and I would be ready.
But the doubts got deeper and stronger.
Cancer is a life changer. A goal changer. Good or bad, it changes you. I expected it to make me realize I need to live the life I dream of living, of capturing people's lives, of embracing the moment, and living life to the fullest. Of course, it's a reminder that life is fleeting and you have to make the most of it.
But I lost my passion along the way. I lost it and began to think cancer was my reminder to snuggle in and spend more time with my loved ones, to live a quiet, normal life. Safe. On my own schedule.
And then I shot Kathleen and Brett's wedding. It was fun, it was hectic, it was a long day - and I loved it. Kathleen and Brett are friends and were a joy to spend the day with. Their wedding party and families were beyond amazing. I had Cassie, Mary, and Jason with me, backing me up. It was perfect. But still, not a life changing moment for me. Not yet.
Last night, as I was going through their images, it hit me. I love capturing love. Love it! I don't shoot a lot of weddings, but I have had amazing brides who took a chance on me and let me do what I love. It scares me, but I can't imagine not doing it. And my cancer life changer - maybe it just means that I can live this crazy life but I should enjoy it, too! I should step back once in awhile and take it all in, be with the people I love, and live a good, fullfilling life.
...Kare
email: karenk{at}eastlink.ca
website: http://www.karenkyte.com
you are definitely a photographer, even if the passion waned for a bit. perhaps the cancer was a time to pause, a time to be still, a time to snuggle in, and also a time to give you an even deeper appreciation of the love that you see in life and capture so beautifully in your pictures. love YOU! smh
ReplyDeleteahhhhhh, thank you, Shell! Love YOU, too! :-)
ReplyDeleteyes, you are. i have the photos to prove it. you might doubt how much time you want to commit to this but never doubt your skill.
ReplyDeletexoxo :-)
ReplyDeleteAnyone ending a wedding blog with a photo like this is definitely on the right track. I love this shot and one can imagine so many ideas with it. Are they making a quick get-away or just looking for a little break in all the action?
ReplyDelete